8 months in…
Day One of the Chronicle:
Kundalini: who are you? What do you want?
I remain undecided on whether K’s nightly visits indicate agency or just an elaborate biofeedback to whatever arouses me: there seems to be direct response to particular thoughts or images I create in my mind – instances of excitement/agitation (which?) marked by a surge in energetic tells, including tingling, tapping, pressure, a sense of ‘sudden interest’ and pressing in (randomly) from the comforter and/or the pillow, and of course the locking of fingers.
All of these things have been going on now for eight full months, night after night. The only exceptions are where jetlag has me falling into deep sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow (but even then, I cannot be sure K. is having its/her way with me while I lie there totally oblivious). Am I any closer to understanding this? Not really.
For clarification, allow me to elaborate on these tells:
Tingling: a pleasant feeling of localized interest, usually in my crotch area. At times, the tingling rises up from the scrotum and to either side. At other times, it goes straight for the penis, and this is often accompanied by ecstatic ‘curlicue’ strokes or brushes near the top third of the penis. This tingling can also accompany the pressure or weight that settles on my midriff.
Tapping: this is a sporadic event, usually in conjunction with a sense of sudden excitement/agitation. It is akin to fingers tapping the flesh when the contact is direct, in random sequences. What I cannot always tell is whether the tapping is coming down from an external source or rising up from within (through charged muscle and skin). When tested (when there is tapping on my left knee) it does seem to be internally produced. However, there can also be tapping of an inanimate object resting on my belly or near my crotch area. This is undeniably external, as the tapping occurs on the uppermost surface of the object, away from any contact with my body. These events are short-lived and resist repetition no matter how I may seek to invite it (ie through repetition of the thought that triggered it in the first place, or repeating the preparation with said object).
Pressure: If I silently invoke ‘heavier’ as a thought, K. complies, and this heaviness is an expansive weight settling over my entire midriff, from just above the ribcage (often tingling travels up the sternum about halfway during this) down to my genital region, rarely on the thighs [and not at all lately]). At times, this pressure can become uncomfortably oppressive. I am reminded of medieval illustrations of a demon seated atop a woman who appears to be either sleeping or unconscious, or even fevered. I wonder then if K. is simply a cunning, deceptive succubus. Conversely, I wonder if those old illustrations were actually God-fearing demonizations of a Kundalini Awakening and subsequent nightly visitations. Could be either one. Occasionally, the pressure arrives elsewhere, including on my forehead, atop one hand, or either the upper arm or the forearm.
Sudden Interest: this is a fairly ephemeral experience. It can be localized in expression but more often it is marked by an increase in energetic attention (including tingling and tapping and pressure) that is accompanied by a jolt in the mattress (or my body, no way to tell which most of the time), a sudden jumpiness in all the other tells, and shuddering/juddering. These last one or two seconds at most and come in response to a thought, a nonvocalized statement, or a mental image I happen to conjure up. I often do just this in order to solicit a response, as I try to track what interests/motivates K. Sometimes, what interests/motivates K. is alarming and through my contextual point of view, immoral (but then, what is immoral in a realm potentially disembodied, immortal and insubstantial in nature? Given the intrusiveness and continued mystery of this force conveniently called K. what precisely is moral about what is to all outward appearances molestation? What exactly am I being invited to participate in here? This goes to the heart of my seeking to figure out what it wants and where this is all leading, and if I waver between on the one hand outright denial and rejection of what seems to excite K., and on the other with ever more determination in inviting what it wants if only to figure the damned thing out, I hope both responses are understandable).
Pressing in: this is undeniably from an external force, as it occurs while I am completely motionless and in locations I have no direct contact with (initially). When the comforter suddenly presses down on my body, on or alongside an arm or a leg, or seems to contract and sink down as if with a drawn breath (but not one I’m taking, as I hold my breath and go completely motionless as soon as it begins), I am being acted upon. I suppose it is possible that I’m somehow initiating some kind of telekinetic event (and is that less or more believable than any other option?), but these events always catch me by surprise. I cannot predict when or where they begin. Moreover, I cannot encourage more of the same through willpower, mental invitation, or any other means I have tried. In other words, when and where is not up to me, and seems to have no direct linkage to any particular thought or imagining going on in my head at the time.
Contact with the pillow, where it too presses down or pushes close, occurs without any movement from my head, and usually while my hands and indeed arms are nowhere near (under the comforter). If I am lying on my side, it presses from behind, as if bodily joining me in sharing the pillow – but never face to face. As nothing of my experience has included anything visual anyway, this seems a pointless example of coyness. Then again, maybe K. just likes to spoon. When I am lying on my back the movement/pressing down can come upon either side of the pillow. No rhyme or reason as to which side.
The pressing down that’s part of K.’s ‘weightiness’ or heaviness occasionally includes pressure on my head, specifically my forehead and therefore the pillow it’s resting on. That may well be a face-to-face event, not that I can see anything. Either with eyes open or in the landscape of eyes closed. Nor do I feel any specific points of contact with my face, though my lips invariably get dry (but this dryness, which should lead to chapped or dry lips during the day, simply doesn’t. In fact, I usually wake up and feel a moist waxiness to my lips. No chapping or sense of dryness. The dryness only occurs during the events).
Locking Fingers: this locking can be fierce, but is instantly dispersed by simply moving those fingers or the hand itself. It depends upon motionlessness to take effect, prefers a slight spreading of the fingers and a natural curl to them. If often concentrates more on one hand than the other, though not always and sometimes the attention oscillates depending on where I direct my concentration. It usually selects two fingers but sometimes only one. It ignores my thumbs entirely. This locking can become a kind of intense pressure, as if my fingers were indurating (turning to stone). Nor is the pressure consistent or steady. It throbs, pulses, intensifies and then wanes. Only to then repeat. At times, it is intense enough to be painful, as if my fingers were locked into a vise.