Day Eight of the Chronicle:

Support, guidance and recognition equals relief. But not for long (8 months ago)…

I’m feeling more grounded. Not as alone or isolated. The negative entity is gone. What remains is something I’m told is a positive thing. I need to surrender to it.

So I do, in all innocence.

What I didn’t understand is that it is dangerous to assume things will stay more or less the same. S. told me that the Kundalini has work to do. I didn’t quite grasp what that meant. What it means (I know now) is that the experience changes. It evolves. Once you manage to get ‘comfortable’ with how things are, something else rears up out the dark and slams into you.

If I recall correctly, it began on a Friday. Lying in bed that night, I started feeling pressure on my anus. And then penetration. Imagine a boa constrictor, not a small one. Say two inches in diameter. It pushes in, slides up, and up. Until it reaches just beneath the coccyx. And once there, it begins to spray something cool and tingling. In effect, it ejaculates.

It first arrives when I am lying on my side. In alarm and discomfort I quickly shift position, rolling onto my back. The motion broke the sensation, but as soon as I grow still (trying to go to sleep), it returns, beginning the penetration all over again. I roll onto my other side. It’s back. Onto my stomach – okay, excuse the pun but in hindsight that probably wasn’t the ideal option.

If there was ever an erotic element to this it was quickly lost, since I couldn’t stop it. In that sense, it was anal rape.

I began to imagine that maybe I’d gotten it wrong. Maybe this Kundalini wasn’t female. Maybe this wasn’t even Kundalini at all – maybe some new negative entity had arrived to sexually assault me every night.

I fought it, resisted, shifted positions constantly to interrupt its efforts. And eventually exhaustion took me into sleep.

It returned the next night and the next. By Sunday night I was trying to imagine a lifetime of this. For the first time in my life, I considered suicide. The depths of despair will do that.

On Monday I contacted S. and asked to meet up as soon as possible. We did. I explained what was happening and he nodded. ‘Yes, don’t worry. That’s still Kundalini. The energy is finding ways in to address internal blockages’ (well, yeah, I know all about blockages: three straight nights of this has me bunged up – constipated – which is odd given that the sensation of penetration has no physical corollary. To my touch down there, everything feels normal). ‘That spraying is energy sent into the blockages. You must surrender to this as well.’

You’re familiar with this phenomenon? Because I couldn’t find squat online.

He nods.

I sat back, baffled. How long will this be going on?

‘Until it’s done.’

It takes seven nights in total. On the final two nights, the internal pressure behind my coccyx manifests without the penetration. And then it’s gone.

Eight months later and it has never revisited that part of me. I don’t miss the attention.

All right, let’s look back at this and try to parse the nature of this Kundalini. It dwells in the body, at the base of the spine (around the coccyx, then). Only to then exit the body and poke, prod, caress, stroke and press down on the body it just left. Unsatisfied with that, it then decides to go back inside, via the anus, where it starts spraying cool tingling stuff that spreads through my hips and lower back, occasionally reaching all the way up to my shoulder-blades.

How does that make any sense? When it’s inside it wants to be outside. When it’s outside it wants to be inside. The only common denominator is me. It’s working on me, purpose unknown. Enlightenment? If so … wrong head. In all the history of mankind, I doubt the cock has ever led the way to Enlightenment, not even once. Even the Tantric stuff (of which I know very little) appears to be seeking spiritual union and making use of sex as a means of achieving that union. But hey, I’m all alone here. No partner involved. Well, not one from this plane of existence anyway. Can you have Tantric sex with an Other?

The only mentions of that in all the literature (that I’ve found) relates that notion to Black Magic and Satanic cults. A bunch of glassy-eyed Nazis on their hands and knees and offering up their naked backside (yeah, saw that pic online, some woman of the inner circle who disappeared after the war. I flinched upon seeing that photo).

Besides, if I can’t see or touch who I’m fucking, it won’t go very far.

The point being, if Enlightenment is the goal, better off ejaculating in my brain, don’t you think? I gather that the idea is to create in my body a free flow of energies, chi and whatnot. And that blockages need to be broken up in order to achieve that. But that seven days of anal penetration did not culminate in an energetic blast up and spine and into my brain. Should it have? Instead, it just went away. Job done.

After the seven days, the Kundalini returned her attention to my cock. As ridiculous as it may sound, what a relief.