Day Twelve of the Chronicle:

Catching up…

Most of the salient details of my experiences in the past eight months have been covered. I continued meeting with S. for spiritual guidance, continued getting acupuncture sessions every week, and began taking instruction in Chi Gon.

Regards the latter, M. experienced a Kundalini Awakening when he was younger. For him, it manifested with bouts of overwhelming emotion: laughter and tears. S., it turns out, has battled through his own version, though it took years. No two Awakenings are alike though they all share one thing: they are traumatic experiences.

I deal relatively well with traumatic experiences. I stay pretty grounded no matter how hairy things get. Having said that, trauma pisses me off. Well, call that the follow-on emotion once the smoke clears. A lot of what hits us has a clear cause-and-effect, though sometimes it takes some brutal self-honesty to find it, accept it, and live with the consequences. Apart from natural disasters and accidents not self-inflicted, we’re probably mostly to blame for what happens to us. Except illness and disease (of the non-epigenetic variety), although, if the karma thing is true, then we suffer those for past-life crimes (geez, thanks for that). For me, anyway, knowing the cause is important. Making that linkage dissipates the anger I feel.

Was my Awakening the direct result of too much curiosity following the arrival of a negative entity? Did that negative entity’s succubus-like attentions towards me trigger the Kundalini and the chi in self-defense? If, in being attacked from another plane of existence, my soul or spirit was forced, in turn, to tap my own extradimensional capacities, stuff that had always been there just never needed before?

Or, if it was a matter of everything according to some plan, was the negative entity sent to me for the sole purpose of triggering this Awakening? Everyone in cahoots?

I can’t nail down cause and effect here. Primarily because I have no comprehension of the end-goal, nothing, in other words, for which I can determine purpose, or even function. Because, and here’s the thing. This chi, these nightly visitations, they seem ultimately self-indulgent. What can I do with this chi? Apparently, I may be able to heal people. Well, shit, I’m all over that. If I could, I’d heal everybody. Because suffering sucks. It is, I’m told, all down to Intention. But before I do anything like healing, I need to master my own chi. Hence the Chi Gon and Tai Chi. But mastery, especially of the latter, takes decades. I’ll be dead long before then (especially via a training schedule of one hour a week).

The Chi Gon exercises do stuff to me. My hands get ‘swollen’ with chi. At times, it is so intense I can feel a burning spiral on both palms. The fingers lock. I rock from the balls of my feet back to my heels depending on how I move the energy around. I’m told this is all Yang energy. It’s physical. To find the spiritual, I need to seek the Yin energy. So, healing may be a long way away, if it ever comes at all.

But the Kundalini: this intense attention from something I can’t see, hear or touch, only feel. Now that feels self-indulgent if the only purpose is some mutually satisfying orgasmic rush. Now, I’m happy enough experiencing that rush, especially with a partner. But hey, Kundalini, I can get that here in the real world, with real people, and guess what? It’s way more satisfying since it involves all the senses. In other words, you’re a poor substitute.

Granted, the tingling stuff is pretty amazing. But it can’t make up for everything else that’s missing.

In my profession as a writer, I’m obsessed with character motivation. Motivation is essential to all drama, to every aspect of human conflict. It is the core of characterization. In fiction I make a point of avoiding judging a character’s motivation: it just is. But in real life, motivation is critical to understanding everyone around you, not to mention understanding history itself (personal, societal, cultural, political).

Kundalini, what’s your motivation?

Of course, that question presumes that K. is an entity, with agency. If it’s just some weird autonomic biofeedback, then shit, what’s my motivation?