Kundalini chronicles

A Journal of Kundalini Awakening

Category: Kundalini

Day Thirteen of the Chronicle

Day Thirteen of the Chronicle:

What’s the frequency, Kenneth?

About thirty years ago I was working a government job in another city. It was a four-month contract. This was back in my unattached days. One of my co-workers was a French-Canadian we’ll name G. We’d take coffee/smoke breaks at the same time. She started telling me about her aunt who was interested in meeting me. I had no problem with that. Back in the days before cellphones and computer games, being on your own in a strange city meant not much to do. Anyway, a meet-up was arranged.

We’ll call the aunt, V. She was high-school educated, from a strict Catholic upbringing, and it turned out that while she might have wanted to meet me, in truth it was someone else who wanted to meet me. And that someone was noncorporeal, because V. was engaged in something called Automatic Writing, and the primary entity she was in communication with was someone called MT (and I did immediately wonder if this entity was being facetious with that name. MT/em/tee/empty).

Being of a skeptical nature, I entered into the ‘communication’ with the intention of debunking the whole thing. V. was bilingual but not particularly well-read; in conversation her diction level was fairly standard. MT, it turned out, was a whole other story. Depending on the energy levels, V. could end up writing so fast her hand would cramp up or her forearm would end up trembling with exhaustion. At times the looping writing style would extend beyond the lines of the page, or run wild down the line to the page’s edge, with G. scrambling to bring up a clean page.

So here I found myself involved in an extended conversation with MT over the course of my work-term in that city. At times, MT and I were deeply engaged in what was almost a private language between the two of us, with our witnesses (including V.) having no idea what we were going on about. There was great humor in this entity, but it was also not afraid to chastise (I recall being told to ‘stop honing the fatuous,’ which was hardly something any normal person would say, and given that this admonition was coming from a city I no longer lived in, across half the country, via a typed letter, and yet pointed directly to something I was up to at the time, I could only nod and say ‘all right, MT, I hear you’).

MT’s cadence was unusual. The diction level was exceptionally high, including the use of many foreign words and phrases. We would argue philosophy. We would have bouts where we exchanged a Socratic method of discourse. I would often write my questions and hide them from both V and her niece, and then test to see if MT’s responses in any way answered or addressed my written queries (sometimes the responses were obscure; other times they were direct responses). There were times when our exchanges went too fast for V. to even keep up.

After I left the job and ended up living far away, we stayed in contact, and V. even flew out for a week-long stay one time, during which we continued the MT conversation.

I can’t be sure why, but V. and I eventually lost contact with one another. I was moving around a lot. But maybe also I wasn’t ready to accommodate the implications of the entire exchange.

Sometime around then, I recall having a flying dream one night in which child-like voices were calling me into the night-sky, inviting me to join them. I was sort of bouncing higher and higher, and each moment of what seemed to be true flight was utterly euphoric, but something would always drag me back down, and that something was more or less the conscious recognition of the fact that I was flying. As if to say: if you think about it, it goes away. When I woke up my sense of loss, and lost opportunity, was so intense I had tears in my eyes. And as much as I desired to return to that dream world, and those delightful voices, I never did. I’ve occasionally had flying dreams since, but none possessed that level of joy and wonder. It was the kind of experience that if I had indeed managed to ‘join’ the ones inviting me upward, I would probably never have returned.

Jump ahead thirty years. As part of the project I was working on at the time (eight months ago up until about four months ago) I was doing a lot of research. Esoteric research. UFO stuff, mostly. Following the Kundalini experiences, I extended that research of the esoteric, and I continue that pursuit to this day. One book leads to the next. UFOlogy to New Age to Spiritualism to ‘ancient astronaut theorists’ to books and series of books purporting to recount the channeling of extraterrestrial/extradimensional entities via automatic writing, trance-states, and so on.

By this means I stumbled onto the series of books known as the Law of One. Look it up if you want more details. There’s five books in all. The entity defines itself as a group yet names itself in the singular as Ra. For the past week and a half I have been reading these books.

The first thing I took note of was Ra’s language and cadence. I recognized it. It reminded me of MT. Just like MT, Ra had difficulty with numbers, with the translation thereof, and with the sensitivity necessary to discern them. And like MT, Ra often used archaic or rarely used words, and often the specific meaning of these words were themselves archaic, or oddly connotative rather than denotative in the context in which they were used (ie poetic). That said, Ra is a lot clearer than MT ever was (the difference, I suspect, wasn’t just in the medium – with MT it was automatic writing while with Ra it was the spoken word by an ‘instrument’ in a trance state – but also with the nature of the entity’s intent. MT seemed much more personal, more one-on-one with V. [and with me when I was communicating with it]; more like a therapist than a teacher. Also, MT was more playful in its use of semantics).

Well. I’m reading this Law of One stuff. The first book and then the second. And Ra is essentially describing a cosmology, its rules, its metaphysics, its hierarchy, its relationship to us and our history. I’m reading with an open mind although sometimes my mind wants to close, not out of denial, but because this cosmology and the future it describes for humanity is no match for what I would like to imagine our future to be like (say, like, Star Trek: a united planet, lots of aliens and cool space ships). Instead, I’m being told about a future of ascending planes of existence, a spiritual evolution that pretty much sets aside technology, and I’m being told about a fairly basic framework of two opposing (warring) world-views (positive and negative) locked in an eternal struggle even though the ultimate goal of each is identical. In essence, either you serve others or you serve yourself. The former is the positive and the latter is the negative. But not ‘negative’ in a necessarily pejorative sense even though serving the self is all about a small elite ruling over an enslaved majority, projected across the entire galaxy (and hey, what’s negative about that? [hmm, where the Irony emoticon?] Although there may be a hidden irony in that the most active of these aliens of the negative, intent on conquering our planet, come from Orion, since in the fictional Star Trek universe the Orions are nasty … slavers. Ha ha).

I’ve read a lot of Science Fiction. I guess that what find myself instinctively retreating from is that Ra’s description of our future is actually (to me) intrinsically less interesting than what a whole lot of SF writers have created via their own imaginations.

Though I won’t live long enough to see it, I do like to think that one day we’ll get off this planet and expand outward; that we’ll become a spacefaring species and civilization. If Ra is real and if Ra is right, it won’t be like that at all. And so I grieve for the possible loss of my dream (and the optimism that comes with it).

My other observations on these Law of One books? For what it’s worth…

  1. Ra is extraordinarily consistent with regard to details. The metaphysics are complicated, hierarchical and yet tempered by numerous forms of biofeedback. It’s heavy reading at times. But not contradictory.
  2. The voice of Ra is also very consistent, in tone, cadence, in its adherence to its own rules of what can and cannot be communicated (barring the meta-query of ‘why communicate at all if Free Will is to be so strictly adhered to?’). There are rules relating to Free Will and there is the Law of Confusion to keep us guessing.
  3. The science in Ra seems plausible once one accepts the notion of multiverse theory and quantum and post-quantum mechanics (can it even be called post-quantum? Rather than just an expansion of the Quantum rabbit-hole?), not to mention Biocentrism (which I have come to believe is true).
  4. Ra’s description of human evolution, genetics and cultural history are, while unlikely, consistently possible, provided one assumes we don’t know our past as well as we think we do, and that certain areas of dogma persist within relevant fields of study and analysis of evidence, and this dogma exists to defend the generally accepted paradigm. These books were first published in the early Eighties. A lot has happened since that can put to the test Ra’s assertions … thus far, I’ve found nothing egregiously contrary (and I know the subjects of history, archaeology and physical anthropology rather well).

But the purpose of this discussion is to give a context for the following quote from Book II of the Law of One, because finally, unexpectedly, Ra discussed Kundalini. Holy crap did I sit up.

Here is the relevant exchange:

QUESTIONER: Will you expand on the positive and negative polarizations in general and how they apply to individuals and planets, etc? I think there is a correlation here, but I’m not sure.

RA: I am Ra. It is correct that there is a correlation between the energy field of an entity of your nature and planetary bodies, for all material is constructed by means of the dynamic tension of the magnetic field. The lines of force in both cases may be seen to be much like the interweaving spirals of the braided hair. Thus positive and negative wind and interweave forming geometric relationships in the energy fields of both persons, as you would call a mind/body/spirit complex, and planets.

The negative pole is the south pole or the lower pole. The north or upper pole is positive. The crisscrossing of these spiraling energies form primary, secondary, and tertiary energy centers. You are familiar with the primary energy centers of the physical, mental, and spiritual body complex. Secondary points of the crisscrossing of positive and negative center orientation revolve about several of your centers. The yellow-ray center may be seen to have secondary energy centers in elbow, in knee, and in the subtle bodies at a slight spacing from the physical vehicle at points describing diamonds about the entity’s naval area surrounding the body.

One may examine each of the energy centers for such secondary centers. Some of your peoples work with these energy centers, and you call this acupuncture. However, it is to be noted that there are most often anomalies in the placement of the energy centers so that the scientific precision of this practice is brought into question. Like most scientific attempts at precision, it fails to take into account the unique qualities of each creation.

The most important concept to grasp about the energy field is that the lower or negative pole will draw the universal energy into itself from the cosmos. Therefrom it will move upward to be met and reacted to by the positive spiraling energy moving downward from within. The measure of an entity’s level of ray activity is the locus wherein the south pole outer energy has been met by the inner spiraling positive energy.

As an entity grows more polarized this locus will move upward. This phenomenon has been called by your peoples the kundalini. However, it may better be thought of as the meeting place of cosmic and inner, shall we say, vibratory understanding. To attempt to raise the locus of this meeting without realizing the metaphysical principles of magnetism upon which this depends is to invite great imbalance.

QUESTIONER: What process would be the recommended procedure for correctly awakening the kundalini and of what value would that be?

RA: I am Ra. The metaphor of the coiled serpent being called upwards is vastly appropriate for consideration by your peoples. This is what you are attempting when you seek. There are, as we have stated, great misapprehensions concerning this metaphor and the nature of pursuing its goal. …

We have two types of energy. We are attempting then, as entities in any true color of this octave, to move the meeting place of inner and outer natures further and further along or upward along the energy centers. The two methods of approaching this with sensible method are first, the seating within one’s self of those experiences which are attracted to the entity through the south pole. Each experience will need to be observed, experienced, balanced, accepted, and seated within the individual. As the entity grows in self-acceptance and awareness of catalyst the location of the comfortable seating of these experiences will rise to the new true color entity. The experience, whatever it may be, will be seated in red ray and considered as to its survival content and so forth.

Each experience will be sequentially understood by the growing and seeking mind/body/spirit complex in terms of survival, then in terms of personal identity, then in terms of social relations, then in terms of universal love, then in terms of how the experience may beget free communication, then in terms of how the experience may be linked to universal energies, and finally in terms of the sacramental nature of each experience.

Meanwhile the Creator lies within. In the north pole the crown is already upon the head and the entity is potentially a god. This energy is brought into being by the humble and trusting acceptance of this energy through meditation and contemplation of the self and of the Creator.

Where these energies meet is where the serpent will have achieved its height. When this uncoiled energy approaches universal love and radiant being the entity is in a state whereby the harvestability of the entity comes nigh.

QUESTIONER: Will you recommend a technique of meditation?

RA: I am Ra. No.

 

Quoted from: The Law of One, Book II, pp 124-126

Schiffer Publishing, Copyright 1982

For clarification: entity, creation, and mind/body/spirit complex all refer to a person, to you and your body (although ‘entity’ can be used in a broader sense to include Ra itself). Red Ray (and other colors not mentioned in this quote) are hierarchical levels of life expression; the list in that same paragraph (the ‘sequentially understood’ paragraph) state those levels without the corresponding colors. Every one of Ra’s responses begin with ‘I am Ra.’ This may seem redundant but it isn’t: there’s always the risk the session gets hijacked by another entity.

As I said, this exchange got my attention big time. Which is not to say I entirely comprehend Ra’s communication here. I don’t. For example, the experiences ‘which are attracted to the entity through the south pole’ and are therefore ‘negative’ in polarization, are not intrinsically ‘bad.’ In fact, they are necessary. Whereas elsewhere in the text, ‘negative’ does possess its obvious pejorative meaning. While ‘balance’ is always emphasized, there remains a definite bias towards the positive (as in ‘serving others’), and the big cosmic war going on over our heads (with every meaning of the phrase taken into consideration here) is all about negative and positive forces battling it out (where the good guys are weaker in their tactics while the bad guys are doomed in their strategy, more or less).

Yeah, it’s complicated.

So how do I apply this quoted passage to my own Kundalini experiences? To be honest, I haven’t quite worked that out yet. Am I, in my clearly evident ignorance, inviting ‘great imbalance’ (presumably internal)? I see how that ‘spiraling’ of energies mimics the DNA helix in a sweetly fractal way, and I get the basic principles of magnetism insofar as high school physics can deliver, but magnetism in a spiritual sense is a bit more ambiguous.

Do those ‘experiences’ refer to the Kundalini’s acting upon me (and bed, pillow, and blanket) from an external point? Or are they what I bring to the entire event via my imagination? If the former, the ‘seating’ thereof, involving being ‘observed, experienced, balanced,’ and ‘accepted,’ all seems to fit under the umbrella of ‘surrendering’ as advocated by S. Although ‘balance’ seems to be a function of autonomy rather than will-power. If the latter – what my imagination brings to the experience – does that mean anything goes?

 

Day Twelve of the Chronicle

Day Twelve of the Chronicle:

Catching up…

Most of the salient details of my experiences in the past eight months have been covered. I continued meeting with S. for spiritual guidance, continued getting acupuncture sessions every week, and began taking instruction in Chi Gon.

Regards the latter, M. experienced a Kundalini Awakening when he was younger. For him, it manifested with bouts of overwhelming emotion: laughter and tears. S., it turns out, has battled through his own version, though it took years. No two Awakenings are alike though they all share one thing: they are traumatic experiences.

I deal relatively well with traumatic experiences. I stay pretty grounded no matter how hairy things get. Having said that, trauma pisses me off. Well, call that the follow-on emotion once the smoke clears. A lot of what hits us has a clear cause-and-effect, though sometimes it takes some brutal self-honesty to find it, accept it, and live with the consequences. Apart from natural disasters and accidents not self-inflicted, we’re probably mostly to blame for what happens to us. Except illness and disease (of the non-epigenetic variety), although, if the karma thing is true, then we suffer those for past-life crimes (geez, thanks for that). For me, anyway, knowing the cause is important. Making that linkage dissipates the anger I feel.

Was my Awakening the direct result of too much curiosity following the arrival of a negative entity? Did that negative entity’s succubus-like attentions towards me trigger the Kundalini and the chi in self-defense? If, in being attacked from another plane of existence, my soul or spirit was forced, in turn, to tap my own extradimensional capacities, stuff that had always been there just never needed before?

Or, if it was a matter of everything according to some plan, was the negative entity sent to me for the sole purpose of triggering this Awakening? Everyone in cahoots?

I can’t nail down cause and effect here. Primarily because I have no comprehension of the end-goal, nothing, in other words, for which I can determine purpose, or even function. Because, and here’s the thing. This chi, these nightly visitations, they seem ultimately self-indulgent. What can I do with this chi? Apparently, I may be able to heal people. Well, shit, I’m all over that. If I could, I’d heal everybody. Because suffering sucks. It is, I’m told, all down to Intention. But before I do anything like healing, I need to master my own chi. Hence the Chi Gon and Tai Chi. But mastery, especially of the latter, takes decades. I’ll be dead long before then (especially via a training schedule of one hour a week).

The Chi Gon exercises do stuff to me. My hands get ‘swollen’ with chi. At times, it is so intense I can feel a burning spiral on both palms. The fingers lock. I rock from the balls of my feet back to my heels depending on how I move the energy around. I’m told this is all Yang energy. It’s physical. To find the spiritual, I need to seek the Yin energy. So, healing may be a long way away, if it ever comes at all.

But the Kundalini: this intense attention from something I can’t see, hear or touch, only feel. Now that feels self-indulgent if the only purpose is some mutually satisfying orgasmic rush. Now, I’m happy enough experiencing that rush, especially with a partner. But hey, Kundalini, I can get that here in the real world, with real people, and guess what? It’s way more satisfying since it involves all the senses. In other words, you’re a poor substitute.

Granted, the tingling stuff is pretty amazing. But it can’t make up for everything else that’s missing.

In my profession as a writer, I’m obsessed with character motivation. Motivation is essential to all drama, to every aspect of human conflict. It is the core of characterization. In fiction I make a point of avoiding judging a character’s motivation: it just is. But in real life, motivation is critical to understanding everyone around you, not to mention understanding history itself (personal, societal, cultural, political).

Kundalini, what’s your motivation?

Of course, that question presumes that K. is an entity, with agency. If it’s just some weird autonomic biofeedback, then shit, what’s my motivation?

 

 

Day Nine of the Chronicle

Day Nine of the Chronicle

Other Occurrences in that week (7 months ago):

I mentioned earlier about M. at the acupuncture clinic giving me the phone number to a popular teacher (guru) of Tai Chi. I called him. We’ll use F. as a name. In the call I described what I was going through. He said a few things I can’t remember now. My initial take-away from the call was that it was awkward, stilted. But we did arrange to meet for lunch (on me) at a Sushi place following his Tai Chi class. And he recommended a book (which I ordered from Amazon).

Although that first session of acupuncture released some of the chi in me, it didn’t take long for it to return. I wasn’t feeling the same dissonance, but the chi in my body no less active. And I was getting used to it. I was actually enjoying it, especially those ‘lifts’ that made me feel lighter, almost buoyant.

On the Saturday for the lunch meeting I got in my car to drive to the restaurant. On the way, everything inside shut down. Utterly. The chi was silent, inactive.

I meet F. We shake hands and get a table. He’s older than me but has that strangely smooth face that belies his age (apparently a product of Kundalini Awakening and the Tai Chi practice). We order lunch and over the course of the next ninety or so minutes he tells me about his many trips to Nepal, his stays at Ashrams, his many guru teachers all of whom are apparently famous.

Let’s take a brief step back here. When I meet with S. the chi inside me is going wild. Same for L. And certainly my brief meeting with M. did nothing to diminish everything going on inside me.

But this guy. I feel dead inside. Shuttered tight. There’s no connection here at all. As friendly as he is, as amicable as the lunch turns out to be, there’s no spark here. In the course of his tales he describes how he is able to put thoughts into the heads of other people, no matter the distance between them. Then he mentions his multiple divorces. And he describes his outdoor Tai Chi classes, attended exclusively by women.

After we depart, I find a place to go and have a cigarette. My first thought is this: holy shit, this guy is a psychic vampire. And then I wonder, did he just suck me dry?

[as an aside, when M. mentioned to L. at the clinic that I was meeting up with F. her first worry was: oh, I hope he doesn’t suck him dry.]

My second thought was a realization, and I think it’s an important one. Here it is. The gift of Spiritual Enlightenment does not automatically confer virtue. I stood there, imaging the hurt, damaged women this guy left in his wake. One of the things he had repeated many times over that lunch was my need for a guru. The book he recommended, when it arrived, exhorted the same thing (in it, the author describes the extent of his worship of his guru, including licking the guy’s plate after lunch and eating whatever scraps he’d left). Every part of me recoils at the thought of surrendering my life to a fellow human being (and being a human being, implicitly flawed). I cannot help but back away at the notion. Nobody on this earth deserves that kind of servile worship.

I will take guidance. I will take advice. But I will not worship the one offering either or both.

Anyway, now I was worried. Did this guy steal everything that was happening inside me? And how odd was it that as soon as I wondered if it was all gone, I should suddenly miss it? All the trauma, the distress and worry, all the weird shit going on every night. I wanted it back.

By the time I got home, the chi was stirring once more, and that night, the Kundalini was back. From that I was led to a new conclusion: Kundalini knew the risks of meeting this guy, knew it before I did, and therefore I was protected. Walled off. F. got nothing from me, not a wisp. Did he try? Who knows. But we haven’t been in contact since.

At this point you might be wondering what was M. thinking putting me in contact with this guy? Or that I’m now pissed off at M. I’m not pissed off, but I am curious. At the next acupuncture session (on the following Monday) I describe to L. the lunch meeting and my Kundalini/chi response to it. She recounts her worry but is glad to hear I was protected (S. tells me that again and again: ‘You are very protected’). Turns out F.’s reputation is somewhat known. M. later tells me he had believed that F. had reformed somewhat, being newly married (poor woman), so he was disappointed to discover otherwise, and apologetic to me. I told him to not apologize. I learned two crucial things with that encounter.

My Kundalini can protect us (her and me) just fine. And then there’s that thing about virtue. An Awakening is a traumatic experience. It leaves you lost, isolated, even frightened. The lure of a guru to take you under wing to explain everything is very real, and very seductive. You want answers and lo! Here’s someone with those answers!

In my writing career I have readers. Fans. I do book signings where some of those readers begin hyperventilating the closer they get to me. Or they clam up. Or begin crying. It’s emotional. And it’s heady. I can see how that can seduce the subject of such displays, feed the ego, swell the head. It’s a form of power, after all.

But anyone who uses that kind of worship as some kind of mirror of truth, is, well, already pretty fucked up. There’s nothing true about it.

I would imagine that the further along one gets on a path to spiritual enlightenment, the more modest and humble one gets (Dalai Lama), and the less judgmental they get. Force of personality is a mundane characteristic more often than not: nothing about it is intrinsically or implicitly holy. It’s secular and therefore, in this context, suspect.

And the great holy figures of history? Well, when I meet one, I’ll let you know if my views undergo a transformation. But I do have one related question: does not the choice to follow lead to a diminishment of one’s own free will? After all, even if the act of choosing to follow is an expression of free will, once you have done so, you have surrendered some of that free will. Of course, you can at some point choose to not follow any more, once more invoking free will. But why is that then almost always seen as a betrayal? To follow may have many rewards, but its currency is free will, for good and for ill. I guess I have issues with that.

Day Eight of the Chronicle

Day Eight of the Chronicle:

Support, guidance and recognition equals relief. But not for long (8 months ago)…

I’m feeling more grounded. Not as alone or isolated. The negative entity is gone. What remains is something I’m told is a positive thing. I need to surrender to it.

So I do, in all innocence.

What I didn’t understand is that it is dangerous to assume things will stay more or less the same. S. told me that the Kundalini has work to do. I didn’t quite grasp what that meant. What it means (I know now) is that the experience changes. It evolves. Once you manage to get ‘comfortable’ with how things are, something else rears up out the dark and slams into you.

If I recall correctly, it began on a Friday. Lying in bed that night, I started feeling pressure on my anus. And then penetration. Imagine a boa constrictor, not a small one. Say two inches in diameter. It pushes in, slides up, and up. Until it reaches just beneath the coccyx. And once there, it begins to spray something cool and tingling. In effect, it ejaculates.

It first arrives when I am lying on my side. In alarm and discomfort I quickly shift position, rolling onto my back. The motion broke the sensation, but as soon as I grow still (trying to go to sleep), it returns, beginning the penetration all over again. I roll onto my other side. It’s back. Onto my stomach – okay, excuse the pun but in hindsight that probably wasn’t the ideal option.

If there was ever an erotic element to this it was quickly lost, since I couldn’t stop it. In that sense, it was anal rape.

I began to imagine that maybe I’d gotten it wrong. Maybe this Kundalini wasn’t female. Maybe this wasn’t even Kundalini at all – maybe some new negative entity had arrived to sexually assault me every night.

I fought it, resisted, shifted positions constantly to interrupt its efforts. And eventually exhaustion took me into sleep.

It returned the next night and the next. By Sunday night I was trying to imagine a lifetime of this. For the first time in my life, I considered suicide. The depths of despair will do that.

On Monday I contacted S. and asked to meet up as soon as possible. We did. I explained what was happening and he nodded. ‘Yes, don’t worry. That’s still Kundalini. The energy is finding ways in to address internal blockages’ (well, yeah, I know all about blockages: three straight nights of this has me bunged up – constipated – which is odd given that the sensation of penetration has no physical corollary. To my touch down there, everything feels normal). ‘That spraying is energy sent into the blockages. You must surrender to this as well.’

You’re familiar with this phenomenon? Because I couldn’t find squat online.

He nods.

I sat back, baffled. How long will this be going on?

‘Until it’s done.’

It takes seven nights in total. On the final two nights, the internal pressure behind my coccyx manifests without the penetration. And then it’s gone.

Eight months later and it has never revisited that part of me. I don’t miss the attention.

All right, let’s look back at this and try to parse the nature of this Kundalini. It dwells in the body, at the base of the spine (around the coccyx, then). Only to then exit the body and poke, prod, caress, stroke and press down on the body it just left. Unsatisfied with that, it then decides to go back inside, via the anus, where it starts spraying cool tingling stuff that spreads through my hips and lower back, occasionally reaching all the way up to my shoulder-blades.

How does that make any sense? When it’s inside it wants to be outside. When it’s outside it wants to be inside. The only common denominator is me. It’s working on me, purpose unknown. Enlightenment? If so … wrong head. In all the history of mankind, I doubt the cock has ever led the way to Enlightenment, not even once. Even the Tantric stuff (of which I know very little) appears to be seeking spiritual union and making use of sex as a means of achieving that union. But hey, I’m all alone here. No partner involved. Well, not one from this plane of existence anyway. Can you have Tantric sex with an Other?

The only mentions of that in all the literature (that I’ve found) relates that notion to Black Magic and Satanic cults. A bunch of glassy-eyed Nazis on their hands and knees and offering up their naked backside (yeah, saw that pic online, some woman of the inner circle who disappeared after the war. I flinched upon seeing that photo).

Besides, if I can’t see or touch who I’m fucking, it won’t go very far.

The point being, if Enlightenment is the goal, better off ejaculating in my brain, don’t you think? I gather that the idea is to create in my body a free flow of energies, chi and whatnot. And that blockages need to be broken up in order to achieve that. But that seven days of anal penetration did not culminate in an energetic blast up and spine and into my brain. Should it have? Instead, it just went away. Job done.

After the seven days, the Kundalini returned her attention to my cock. As ridiculous as it may sound, what a relief.

 

 

Day Two of the Chronicle

Day Two of the Chronicle:

Introducing myself:

Granted, it’s strange to begin this chronicle eight months into an ongoing event, without any obvious explanation.  What’s even odder has been my disinclination to write about any of this.  I am a professional writer, successful enough to being doing it full-time.

Am I seeking anonymity with this account as a means of avoiding ridicule?  Possibly.  Veracity is a hard sell, especially with something posted online.  But there’s more to it than that.  I don’t feel my professional reputation is remotely relevant to my Kundalini experiences.  In fact, I can see it getting in the way.  Especially because there’s nothing I want to sell regarding those experiences.  Not here, not now and probably not ever.  Nor am I interested in readers coming here only to then chase down my books and start buying them.  That’s not what this is about.  Nor have I any interest in becoming a guru, or becoming someone who is ‘followed’.  I have nothing to offer.  As for stalkers, I’ve had a few and that’s no fun at all.

So, what is it about?  Well, to begin with, it’ll be a confession of sorts.  This happened to me and this is what’s still happening to me.  Go figure.  Beyond being a confession, this will also be an exploration of these strange, unexpected experiences, as I try to work things out (knowing beforehand and with a fair amount of certainty that I probably never will figure it out).  I’ll recount events and experiences as objectively as possible, and then follow on with my thoughts, theories and impressions.

I’ll keep personal details to a minimum.  I’m a male with North European ancestry, late fifties, married (for the moment, since, if no-one’s said this before, I will: a Kundalini Awakening is not nice to a relationship).  I hold three degrees.  My background is in the social sciences.  My religion was atheist tending in the last decade to agnosticism (oh and yes, I do think atheism is a faith, bound by the same stringent certitude you’ll find in any other faith).  Until my Kundalini Awakening, I had no experience with mystical or spiritual events, contacts, revelations or whatever you wish to call them (barring one episode I’ll get to later).  I knew next to nothing about Kundalini, chi, Yang and Yin energies, and the few times I’d tried having acupuncture it had done nothing for me.

Since this a chronicle it should have started at the beginning.  Instead, here’s my flashback.  I’m writing in linear fashion.  No cut and paste here.  It’s all coming out now, beginning yesterday when I typed ‘8 months in…’

It’s August, 2017.  Let’s go back to January, where in the course of ten harrowing days my whole world (and world-view) was overturned.

 

 

 

Day One of the Chronicle

8 months in…
Day One of the Chronicle:

Kundalini: who are you? What do you want?

I remain undecided on whether K’s nightly visits indicate agency or just an elaborate biofeedback to whatever arouses me: there seems to be direct response to particular thoughts or images I create in my mind – instances of excitement/agitation (which?) marked by a surge in energetic tells, including tingling, tapping, pressure, a sense of ‘sudden interest’ and pressing in (randomly) from the comforter and/or the pillow, and of course the locking of fingers.

All of these things have been going on now for eight full months, night after night. The only exceptions are where jetlag has me falling into deep sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow (but even then, I cannot be sure K. is having its/her way with me while I lie there totally oblivious). Am I any closer to understanding this? Not really.

For clarification, allow me to elaborate on these tells:

Tingling: a pleasant feeling of localized interest, usually in my crotch area. At times, the tingling rises up from the scrotum and to either side. At other times, it goes straight for the penis, and this is often accompanied by ecstatic ‘curlicue’ strokes or brushes near the top third of the penis. This tingling can also accompany the pressure or weight that settles on my midriff.

Tapping: this is a sporadic event, usually in conjunction with a sense of sudden excitement/agitation. It is akin to fingers tapping the flesh when the contact is direct, in random sequences. What I cannot always tell is whether the tapping is coming down from an external source or rising up from within (through charged muscle and skin). When tested (when there is tapping on my left knee) it does seem to be internally produced. However, there can also be tapping of an inanimate object resting on my belly or near my crotch area. This is undeniably external, as the tapping occurs on the uppermost surface of the object, away from any contact with my body. These events are short-lived and resist repetition no matter how I may seek to invite it (ie through repetition of the thought that triggered it in the first place, or repeating the preparation with said object).

Pressure: If I silently invoke ‘heavier’ as a thought, K. complies, and this heaviness is an expansive weight settling over my entire midriff, from just above the ribcage (often tingling travels up the sternum about halfway during this) down to my genital region, rarely on the thighs [and not at all lately]). At times, this pressure can become uncomfortably oppressive. I am reminded of medieval illustrations of a demon seated atop a woman who appears to be either sleeping or unconscious, or even fevered. I wonder then if K. is simply a cunning, deceptive succubus. Conversely, I wonder if those old illustrations were actually God-fearing demonizations of a Kundalini Awakening and subsequent nightly visitations. Could be either one. Occasionally, the pressure arrives elsewhere, including on my forehead, atop one hand, or either the upper arm or the forearm.

Sudden Interest: this is a fairly ephemeral experience. It can be localized in expression but more often it is marked by an increase in energetic attention (including tingling and tapping and pressure) that is accompanied by a jolt in the mattress (or my body, no way to tell which most of the time), a sudden jumpiness in all the other tells, and shuddering/juddering. These last one or two seconds at most and come in response to a thought, a nonvocalized statement, or a mental image I happen to conjure up. I often do just this in order to solicit a response, as I try to track what interests/motivates K. Sometimes, what interests/motivates K. is alarming and through my contextual point of view, immoral (but then, what is immoral in a realm potentially disembodied, immortal and insubstantial in nature? Given the intrusiveness and continued mystery of this force conveniently called K. what precisely is moral about what is to all outward appearances molestation? What exactly am I being invited to participate in here? This goes to the heart of my seeking to figure out what it wants and where this is all leading, and if I waver between on the one hand outright denial and rejection of what seems to excite K., and on the other with ever more determination in inviting what it wants if only to figure the damned thing out, I hope both responses are understandable).

Pressing in: this is undeniably from an external force, as it occurs while I am completely motionless and in locations I have no direct contact with (initially). When the comforter suddenly presses down on my body, on or alongside an arm or a leg, or seems to contract and sink down as if with a drawn breath (but not one I’m taking, as I hold my breath and go completely motionless as soon as it begins), I am being acted upon. I suppose it is possible that I’m somehow initiating some kind of telekinetic event (and is that less or more believable than any other option?), but these events always catch me by surprise. I cannot predict when or where they begin. Moreover, I cannot encourage more of the same through willpower, mental invitation, or any other means I have tried. In other words, when and where is not up to me, and seems to have no direct linkage to any particular thought or imagining going on in my head at the time.

Contact with the pillow, where it too presses down or pushes close, occurs without any movement from my head, and usually while my hands and indeed arms are nowhere near (under the comforter). If I am lying on my side, it presses from behind, as if bodily joining me in sharing the pillow – but never face to face. As nothing of my experience has included anything visual anyway, this seems a pointless example of coyness. Then again, maybe K. just likes to spoon. When I am lying on my back the movement/pressing down can come upon either side of the pillow. No rhyme or reason as to which side.

The pressing down that’s part of K.’s ‘weightiness’ or heaviness occasionally includes pressure on my head, specifically my forehead and therefore the pillow it’s resting on. That may well be a face-to-face event, not that I can see anything. Either with eyes open or in the landscape of eyes closed. Nor do I feel any specific points of contact with my face, though my lips invariably get dry (but this dryness, which should lead to chapped or dry lips during the day, simply doesn’t. In fact, I usually wake up and feel a moist waxiness to my lips. No chapping or sense of dryness. The dryness only occurs during the events).

Locking Fingers: this locking can be fierce, but is instantly dispersed by simply moving those fingers or the hand itself. It depends upon motionlessness to take effect, prefers a slight spreading of the fingers and a natural curl to them. If often concentrates more on one hand than the other, though not always and sometimes the attention oscillates depending on where I direct my concentration. It usually selects two fingers but sometimes only one. It ignores my thumbs entirely. This locking can become a kind of intense pressure, as if my fingers were indurating (turning to stone). Nor is the pressure consistent or steady. It throbs, pulses, intensifies and then wanes. Only to then repeat. At times, it is intense enough to be painful, as if my fingers were locked into a vise.